Month: July 2010

My mom was special. Very much so. I know, most moms are. But you see, my mom gave me this amazing gift. She told me repeatedly that if there is something I really want to do in life, I can do it. Just like that. One of her favourite memories of me was about how determined I was to learn to walk, by myself, with no helping adult around, at 10 months of age. And I loved to hear that story over and over when I was little and as an adult too.

My mom is no longer around, unfortunately, but her words are. She told me that I can. It took many years for me to realize what a great gift I got from my mom. Simple words, yet so powerful. Here is an example: I recently completed my second duathlon quite successfully. My training for this one was minimal – not by choice – which many might say is a sure recipe for disaster, and I would not dare say otherwise. Yet my determination and will to do it and do it right were strong. And I did it! And that got me thinking.

Words have power. What are you telling your kids? Do you congratulate them for every little accomplishment or do you just tell them they can do anything they put their their minds to and that’s that? And here is the tricky question: Do you actually believe they can do it or are you simply saying it because that’s how you were told self-esteem works? You see, I now understand why my mom’s words were always so powerful and still are. Because she really believed I could do it, whatever the “It” was. She enjoyed my accomplishments, modest or otherwise, in a very natural, unassuming manner that said “I knew you could do it”. Her belief built the most solid foundation for my self-confidence. A much needed foundation.

Words are powerful. Especially when coming from people who mean everything to you. Especially when you mean everything to someone else. Your children. Some of the words you say to your children will be staying with them forever. Make sure you choose the right ones. You don’t have to search high and low or read tomes on the subject. They are in your heart, waiting to come out.

 Words can change someone’s world. Whose world are your words changing? Are you changing it for the better? You should. You can.
 

I was hanging out with my boys at my favourite “feel just right” place – the river banks, and after a couple of hours of just the three of us, a little boy comes there and starts drawing a rather intricate something in the sand. A lot of work. Very close to the water. Where the waves from boats passing by come and dance, erasing everything and carrying sticks and rocks into the river. So I almost felt like telling him that the drawing might not last, thinking he’ll be disappointed if the water erased it. And I didn’t. Because he was so focused on drawing and he was enjoying it so much, it almost seemed sacrilegious to do so. And then it made sense. He wasn’t thinking that his drawing should last, and most likely he wasn’t planning on maybe coming back tomorrow to see if it was still intact. He was immersed in the moment, savouring every second and enjoying playing in the sand. There was no worrying about anything else. He was happy. Just like most of us when we were kids and doing just that: living the moment. But we’re adults now and somehow we forgot to do that.

Now of course adulthood is a bit of a complicated business. Try as we may, we cannot ignore that planning for the future and thinking ahead are necessary skills we adults have to develop as we go or else. Even more so when we become parents. It’s called responsibility. And it’s part of life.

But here is an exercise you may want to try occasionally: Live in the moment. Immerse yourself in that moment and sing, dance, laugh and cry with it. Live it fully and don’t think about the next three steps. Just let your senses soak everything in. It could be watching the clouds move over the face of the moon or climbing trees with your children, dancing with your loved one or reading a book. It could be many other things. Living the moment will trigger memories and thoughts that will take your whole being for a spin. Enjoy it. It’s not everyday living, it could not be, and that’s just fine. Just moments here and there. Enjoy their elusive yet captivating nature and live them fully. Your grown-up status will stay untouched, I guarantee it. You’ll be happier though and might even smile more, if you are willing to take such risks, that is.

Promise you’ll try. At least once.
 

To describe yourself today. Choose it now. And see how you feel for the rest of the day. I chose “Blessed”. From 5pm when I came up with this until late at night when I am writing this post, I felt blessed. And it made me think. I chose the word even before I thought of all the possible reasons I feel grateful for. I did that later and that only amplified my feeling and reminded me why I chose the word in the first place. Well, you might say, maybe your life is just so amazing right now that no other word would do. It so happens that right now my life is far from perfect. And if I were to sit down with you out there reading this right now and explain to you why my life is not perfect, you would agree that it’s not – and who would want that anyway. But here is what comes next.

The word and this post are not about life, mine, or yours. They are about me. And you. The word that I ask of you is to describe not your life, not your day, but you today. And I have a feeling that words can have a much higher impact that we give them credit for. Grow into the word as you go through the day. Mold your thoughts to match the word you choose for today. Try it just once and see how it goes. And yes, it goes without saying that choosing a good uplifting word makes sense. You might not feel like it when you first think about it, but do try. It’s like smiling to yourself in the mirror when you’re having a not so great day. The smile comes out crooked at first but then it grows into a real one. And there will be more coming too.

So, have you thought of a word yet? Care to share your experience with it?
 

Yes, you can ask me the same question and I won’t feel offended. It takes two to tango, as they say. Here is a thought provoking question: If you were to choose from all of your friends – Facebook now offers us the chance to have hundreds of them, but are they real? – the ones you felt a real connection with, how many of your existing friends would you choose? If you answer "all of them", consider yourself lucky and perhaps you don’t need to read the rest of this.

Most of us have asked our kids since they were little to be nice and play with everybody whether they feel like it or not. Because that’s what being nice means, and because we want them to give everyone a fair treatment. Fair? hardly. When they are little we set up playdates for them and sometimes the playdate is not a good one. The kids fight and “act up”, almost asking to be taken home just to end the ordeal. And then it repeats. Usually with the same child. Nothing wrong with any of them, just not connecting properly. And there is nothing wrong with not connecting the same with all people. It’s a fact of life. No chemistry, as they say.

By the time we become adults, many of us might not know how to trust that gut feeling when it comes to relationships. Whether you call it intuition about a person, or the first impression, or that “chemistry” everybody is talking about, it’s all the same. The buzz. You either feel it or you don’t. if you don’t and keep going, then you’re lying to yourself and others. There is no way I am the only one who felt “I shouldn’t” or “I don’t have much to talk about” when meeting someone I feel no connection with, no buzz. And every time I felt that, ignored it and went ahead with the relationship, I ended up disappointed, drained and far from that good feeling that follows a healthy energy exchange that happens when I have a real connection with a person. So what to do? Life is too short and it’s a shame to spend precious time on meaningless conversations or  relationships that don’t mean much to us or the other people involved in it and are kept alive just because. Of course we cannot handpick all people we will form relationships with. Jobs and marriages will bring along people we have to learn to get along with, whether we feel like it or not. Those will help us build get-along skills, and that’s fine, we need to know how to do that too. But aside from those, wouldn’t it be fair to us and others too, to be real, true to our feelings, and form friendships only when we feel there is a real connection?

Will our children have a better chance to form meaningful relationships if we let them trust that intuition since they are young, that gut feeling about people? I’d say yes. When we allow them to speak their mind and express their feelings about people, old and young, we help them accept and honour those gut feelings. And by doing that, honour themselves and others. I am tempted to say that if we let our children grow comfortable with their intuitive feelings about people they will maybe have a better chance to choose the right people, friends and a life partner too.

Meaningful relationships are few and far between. We have to respect their nature.  For those of us who are parents, I believe we have the responsibility to encourage our children to trust their feelings. And yes, mistakes will be made, wrong relationships will be formed and disolved, and through all of that learning will happen. But, rightheouness aside, it is plain sad to watch grown people go through the pain of knowing they made the wrong relationship choice because they did not have the courage to listen to that inside voice that whispered the truth.

What do you think?
 

How many times in your life have you had a very strong feeling that you have to let go of something yet you did not do it because “what if”? Or because you did not quite know how? Or you were simply not there yet? Whether it is people, ideas, projects, places, businesses, we get attached – it’s different degrees of attachment, of course, but the idea is the same – there is something there that still holds part of you and prevents you from moving on. Attachment is an organic need we humans have, and we need it to nurture our spirit. Attachment, whether permanent or temporary, is a need that has to be honoured.

It’s not easy to let go, some of us may have an easier time than others. Yet the interesting part is that many times being all logical about why you should call it quits does not work. So it comes down to trusting your gut about it. That’s right. When you’re done going over the pros and cons yet again and feeling stuck yet again, maybe it’s time to really evaluate your good old gut feeling. Yes, the one that gives you a nudge every now and then and you choose to ignore it thinking it looks too easy. The best part is that once you get in the habit of trusting your gut you’ll grow confidence. Sure you’ll still make the wrong decisions occasionally – being wrong is also part of learning – but chances are there will be no sinking feelings of regret.

Honouring what your gut is telling you to do – you’ll learn to identify the feeling as you go, as no other way will seem the right way – will take you places. And you’ll grow into that new you. Simply put, there is a left side and a right side to your brain. Make good use of both. Going through the facts logically is a good start and will help you build a foundation for your actions, but following your gut feeling will complete the process in the best possible way. The right way.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments.
 

I love summer.

Sunny mornings, reading in bed until I was getting really hungry, then going outside to pick fresh strawberries, peaches and raspberries, chatting with friends, reading some more, biking to a nearby lake for swims, reading and writing until it was late and so beautifully quiet. A sample of how my summers used to be when I was younger. I was free. Free to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it – chores excluded, since helping around the house was also part of the summer routine, but somehow it fit in nicely. No summer camps unless I felt like it. I missed those summers so much I decided to bring them back.

How? Well, for starters, I decided to let my boys go camp-free this summer – they wholeheartedly agree – except for a couple of days of Boy Scouts’ camp which sounded too good to resist. So there is no rush in the morning, no arguing about wanting to go somewhere but having to go somewhere else. We go places if we so desire and best of all, we pick the places we want to go to. Like Fraser river banks today, for example. We explored the banks, the boys played for hours enjoying a different kind of beach than the ocean beach, I got to read and write some. Perfection. And that does not even describe it. The summer days I missed are back. And they are better since I can share the joy with my boys. And you may be asking if every day will be packed with wow day trips and activities. Far from it. Free summer recipe calls for a bit of laziness too. Lazy days when we choose to do almost nothing.

Is this unstructured summer thing going to get my boys used to choosing rather than accepting what’s on schedule? It might, but I do not consider that a bad thing at all. Giving them a taste of freedom, that is. The free summer is, in my opinion, one amazing not-to-be-missed experience. Letting go of ‘have to” leaves a lot of room for doing what one is passionate about. And includes lots of reading, creating magic potions and learning about science, finding bugs and various interesting things that spark great conversations, drawing and painting. After a long day outside doing what they feel like it and inventing games – no concerns about creativity being hindered in any way – my boys read a lot not because they have to but because it feels good to end the day reading. And then there is something else – magic would be the right word to define it. After a few days inventing games and playing until they run out of energy – slight exaggeration – the bonding between my boys needs no work from me. It just happens. I take it that’s also part of doing the things they love when they feel like it. Such as hanging out long enough to learn likes and dislikes, to build that special bond all parenting books are trying hard to describe.  simply put, they are enjoying each other’s company. and their playing together creates those precious reading and writing pockets for me. And while my life still includes writing assignments and deadlines and there is no way I can take a whole summer off, I will still enjoy a few great days of freedom with my boys.

Yes, free summer days are definitely the way to go. Try it for a few days and say it isn’t so…I dare you!