I am closing my Facebook account. Been tinkering with the idea for a while now but the day came and there’s no debate in my mind. A few days ago a 15-year-old girl committed suicide after being bullied on Facebook and at school. I was shaken by this incident and saddened in a way that I did not expect.

Perhaps because I have my two beautiful boys and they are part of this world, and I want them to be both kind and able to stand up for themselves. Perhaps it is because I’ve been lonely at times and in places dark enough to know how scary they look, especially from up close. They are cold. It matters less or at all why I was shaken.

Amanda Todd added a storm to my world. I watched her voiceless video and cried. She made me rethink so many things with her mute showing of the cards that told her story. I thought of how she put them together, of how she tried to say she’s lonely and hurting. I looked at her hands and then I looked at my own. We can do so much harm with them. We can hurt, others and ourselves, and at the same time, we can help, and soothe and write things that could make someone’s world better.

The Facebook thing.  She was part of a network of “friends.” How then? It’s so backwards. It would choke me to know that I am still there. Why, you say, that’s an emotional response to a fact of life. A sad fact, very sad, but not my fault, you’ll say. It’s the fault of a circle of young people who didn’t know any better. Logical indeed but life is never logical. Life is. Or isn’t. Just like that. We make choices and live with them. Live with the consequences. And for how long can one go with “he/she/they didn’t know any better?”

It’s good to take time to reflect. I’ll miss the occasional chuckle brought by one of my cousin’s funny cartoon finds, but he promised he’ll save them for me. I will miss my friends’ beautiful photos but I will keep my eyes open to the beauty around me. And I will hope that I never overlook anything that’s worth it.

If nothing else, it will be a reminder, to myself and others, that words can hurt. They can push people in corners dark and cold and they might not be able to fight their way out. It will be a reminder that we are on borrowed time after all and no one should be taken for granted. A reminder to teach my boys to never judge and to be kind. Kind to not strike unless they have to defend themselves and there is no other way. A reminder that words can kill. In many ways.

• For my boys and being there for them – To hug, to learn the depths of my heart and how to spell trust. That includes Sasha trusting me to get a pebble out of his ear today and me knowing enough about boys to know that he put it there on purpose but not forcing him to admit to it. For being told later “Yes, I did it, I wanted to try something else.” A journey of many steps, big and small.

• Water. Clean. Whenever I need it.

• For people who will be there no matter what and for them knowing that I will be too. For never taking anyone for granted.

• For having learned to not miss the forest for the trees and yet treasure both.

• For being told “Yes you can” at least once and for being able to remember how to say it when there’s no one to do it.

• For being heard at least once.

• For learning to speak my mind.

• For being trusted.

• For knowing when a miracle happens.

• For rain and clouds. For colors.

• For being asked.

• For knowing that today only happens once. Now.

• For caring.

• For that perfect orange sunshine glow on an late October afternoon that makes me feel like I know about beauty.

• For being told “You’re worth it” loud enough to hear.

• For all the meals I was hoping for and did not dare ask, including the potatoes I dug out of my new garden one late evening after a long trip.

• For downhills.

• For being able to write while I cook and for knowing that someone will read it.

• For knowing that spring always comes.

• For knowing that offering forgiveness is learning to be humble and listen to someone’s heart hugging my own.

• For people who make me think and challenge me to see, and for knowing that I did that for at least one person.

• For knowing that I have everything I need.

• For being forgiven.

• For being there when my boys laughed for the first time. For remembering it.

• For being told “No” when the answer was really “No.”

• For being told “Yes” when I was holding my breath in fear.

• For knowing that I can challenge you to add at least one thing you’re grateful for and for hoping that you will do it. How else do you make it go on otherwise?