Month: June 2013

It was Sasha’s birthday so we woke him up with an ice cream cake in bed. Eyes barely open you have to blow the candles and make a wish, and make sure the wish won’t plop like a sleepy bird on top of the cake because you are oh, so sleepy. It’s a good tradition, we adopted it recently and plan to hold onto it forever; it’s that good.

As for notable events birthday-related… I remind him every year that he was a blue baby – truly, due to lack of oxygen for a bit. He finds it funny. I told him I had an intense panic episode just until he changed color. It seemed like forever. Afterwards I held him asleep, floppy legs and all, and looked at him, studying every corner of his face, lifting his tiny hands and drawing soft lines on his finger, wondering if I will be all he needs me to be, and at the same time whispering a prayer that my mom, who had passed away just a month before he was born, would see him somehow. It was a heavy time in thoughts, and tears and also the happiest of all, to welcome my second son into the world I still had years to figure out.

His shortly-lived Avatar tint caused by problematic breathing went away a few minutes after he was born though and that was that. Sweetness, awe and love were not conditioned in any way by his color anyway. He has been a joy to us all since.

The things I wished him this year are rather straightforward. I wished to never forget his sense of wonder he wakes up with every morning and runs all barefoot and pajama-clad in the back yard to play in his fort, “live off the land” around the fort (yes, he does, or at least started training) and play with every living critter along the way. I wished him to never stop saying “I need a hug,” wrap his arms around me and whisper warm and thick like another pair of arms “I’ll never let go of you.” I wished him joy, I wished him to stay true to what’s ethical,and worthy, and not harming people but helping them, I wished him to stay kind and loving and always curious. And I wished for myself, like I do every year on their birthdays, I wished to keep that sense of awe that I first got when I knew they will be mine to hold, to love,to cry and laugh and frown at and tumble with; to never lose the feeling of having them wrapped around me like two heart flags, wrapped tight and colorful, their souls sparkling in the sun.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy, dance with the swaying grass and follow its green call all the way to where you want to have your heart embraced. I’ll be there too. We never let go, remember?

The world as we know it cannot stand without them. Not for long anyway. By now everyone knows about Edward Snowden and his stepping forward to denounce the US government violation of the American citizens’ liberties, shall we say human rights perhaps, or that is still to come… He has been called both a hero and a traitor.

I stuck with hero from the beginning, not an ounce of doubt that he wasn’t, and he is the kind that doesn’t come around very often. His deep-rooted motivation, the very foundation he built his decision on, was, he explained in an interview, the fact that he could not live with knowing about it and not acting in a way he believed responsible. He exposed hypocrisy, he said.

There are rumours of him being extradited and trialed by the US judicial system, there are rumours of him searching for political asylum in Iceland, and then there are rumours of him getting in a lot of very very deep trouble. No one knows at this point, so while signing a petition to back him up is important, we also have to keep an eye on what will happen to him regardless.

But I have to use this opportunity to ask: How many things are you aware of that are not ethical, good for people, or are downright harmful and how many are you ready to denounce? What’s at risk if you do? Will you risk it?

Edward Snowden stepped forward to blow the whistle on something he considers unacceptable and hypocritical and though some many argue that his act could be interpreted as betraying his own country, there is a high number of people who think the opposite and for a reason. It is not betrayal, but the highest form of the patriotism when you stand by your country and its values, that ones that are stated for all to hear, rather then the questionable acts that happen behind closed doors.

Denouncing wrongness, and not anonymously, is an act of great courage. Denouncing any kind of wrongness and standing up for what’s right and ethical, not for money but because we feel that otherwise we could not live with ourselves is what all people should do. Is what children should learn from their parents and educators and all the influential people they come in contact with. I’d say it is possible when there are no conflicting interests of any kind. Would that only be possible in a perfect world?

The way I see it, as long as there are people who care, the world is perfect.

The boys had wicked smiles on their faces when I picked them up after school and Sasha held high a piece of paper for me to see.

“It’s a license to be happy,” he explained with a grin. “A lady came into our classroom today and gave one to each kid.”

He found it rather funny. Tony too. Who can give people licenses to be happy? They had been learning about feelings every now and then at school and that was alright, we all thought, though they were scandalized by a certain feeling that was presented to them as a legitimate one and defined as “ready to learn.” How could that be, they asked.

You can say we’re smug that way, but we talk about feelings a lot you see – yep, we think it acceptable in our house that contains wild rambunctious boys and all, or because of it. We chat about feelings, and do it old school style: you can feel happy, angry, sad, anxious, scared, but we all agreed that being ready to learn is a state of the mind and that’s that.

But license to be happy? I have always told the boys that happiness can only come from within ourselves. And it’s not easy to make it happen either. But if you let others be in charge of your happiness chances are you’ll end up unhappy. it might be that the ones you put in charge might not even know they are in charge of your feelings cargo to begin with.

I choose to see that license for what it is: A piece of paper with some colors on it. Come to think of it, the boys’ drawings are, most times, way more colorful. A sign of happiness if you ask me. Not that I think happiness should be a permanent state. Like all good things, too much can leave us slightly numb…

And slightly less able to know, and believe, that one’s happiness does not depend on anyone, nor should anyone else make theirs our responsibility. As finicky and volatile as it is, happiness is a worthy thing to discover and make happen. No license required. It’s implied. Thoughts?

A couple of weeks ago SPCA called for donations from the public for $2000, money that was needed to operate a large tumor on a dog.

That’s a large sum of money, I thought, and a few days later I saw that people went above the needed amount and $5000 were raised instead. The rapidity to raise the money was truly impressive.

Out of the $5000, approximately $2000 was used for the tumor. Out of what was left, $1000 was used to pay for the amputation of a cat’s leg and the rest for some much needed items at the SPCA.

I love animals, I always have. I had a dog, she was beautiful and amazing in her patience when she listened to all the whines and sighs of teenager me; she was sweet in her playfulness when we ran through high rained-on grass with complete disregard for muckiness or green stains.

She had a tumor that was removed but then a year later it came back with a vengeance. She died with her head on my dad’s lap, on the old bench under the grapevine. I was away at university and when I came home that time, I went and sat by the walnut tree in the garden. My dog was buried there.

I understand the need to help save an animal’s life. We have to. Yet in doing so, I always wondered why professionals would not donate their time and expertise for such things.

I am not preaching from a high pulpit either. I volunteered for four years for the Autism Society of BC, I kept doing it even after the program was retired due to lack of funds and I did it during a two-month long transit strike and with no car. A good long walk and the hope of a smile waiting on the other side. I know about going the extra mile.

As I read about the funds raised for these fortunate animals, I could not help but think of some of the kids from my sons’ school. They go to school hungry quite often, other times they go to bed hungry. Hunger is often forgotten because they have more complicated issues to deal with. Some are barely five.

There are single parents in my sons’ school and beyond, who can barely get by. Often times, I was told, the inability to provide financially and thus show that their kids are cared for, causes the children to be removed and placed in foster care where a steady monthly fare makes for better care. The willing but financially burdened parent has no fault.

Sure we have the food bank, we have other charities striving to provide. But needs persist. So with all due respect to pet owners and all people dedicated to improve the life of animals, I have to point to what seems like a shift in priorities.

Children should always come first. All needy humans should too, but for the sake of a little girl with blue eyes that sometimes comes to school hungry but with a wickedly sweet smile still attached to the corner of her mouth – for now, I will say children should come first.

What if the animals would be cared for free-of-charge by willing professionals and the money that would otherwise be used to pay for surgery and treatment would be put towards buying food for hungry children. Or clothes, or toothbrushes, or shoes that fit.

Children do not ask to be born. But we bring them into the world and some meet adversities from very early on. They see domestic abuse, they take care of those even younger than them and they go hungry one too many times.

Many are forgotten or left behind, and by no one’s fault in particular but rather a collective one, and for some little ones simple things like hot chocolate become a luxury they only dream about… Yet still, when asked about wishes, their wish for the presence of their parents tops the list.

We cannot fail these children and allow others to come into suffering. We have to provide all that we can for them, as often as we can and as much as we can. From food, to financial help for the parents who struggle, to making sure enough professionals are available to help children and their caregivers with emotional issues, no matter how big, we cannot fail them.

Given enough successful fundraising and willingness to help, and I know there is a lot, there should be enough to help children, their needy families and suffering pets too. But priorities should never shift. Human life is sacred, period. So is a child’s smile and lightheartedness.

So here’s my thought: Let’s put some money aside for the hungry children that walk around this city at this very moment. Say $5000 or so. A bold thought, I know, but bold is what makes it happen.

Because time passes and there is only that much time for children who don’t have it easy to learn about kindness and know that someone cares. Just in case they stumble later on. They might not though. Not if we do something now. From food, to toothbrushes and shoes, to cuddles and a willing heart, they can have it all and feel welcomed in this world. Let’s not fail them.

(Originally published as a column in the Saturday edition of the Kamloops Daily News, on June 8 2013)

I grew up looking at people for how I appeared to the world. My parents, my dad especially, would always bring out the “What will people say if you did this or that…” and when you hear it enough times you start questioning yourself. He did that to himself too, I am sure.

But when you do that,you become unsure. We are programmed to look for approval as it is. Children try to please their parents and they try to please their friends in order to be accepted. To some extent it is a good thing. We live with people so jumping like crazed frogs all over the place and not minding the consequences of our actions is not what people should do.

But if you’re not careful you look at everyone for an assessment of your actions and yourself in general. Some people may give you an accurate, honest opinion and always with your best interest at heart, others will judge and point their finger at you.

Ideally, the ones whose opinion we mind should be the ones who, while pointing at shortcomings, will also foster the ability to empower us to shake them off, will tell us or signal with their embraces  that we ought to love ourselves even more for that unique combination of thoughts and emotional twirls and ways of seeing the world that we are.

The problem is, we often define ourselves and our worth by looking at the wrong people. Not wrong in what they are and who they are for themselves, but wrong in their position of influencing our world.

Acceptance of ourselves and the ability to carry ourselves towards being the best we can be (how cliché but how true that we aim for that, that being the good destination of every day and the reason we are able to wake up with hope) comes from within but also from how those close to us define us.

The boys often wonder how the world sees them. They fear appearing ridiculous and I tell them they should not let people define who they are. They should only allow the ones who love them to do so; the ones who understand their fire and their drive to embrace the world standing upside down at times, or crookedly so – but who can give the whole measure or definition of crooked anyway. Crazy as they may seem in their passion for the things that power their inner beings, in their joy, in their tears and all that spunk they have and dare to share, they need to believe they are amazing and worth it.

The problem is, they won’t, not always. Often they’ll be crushed by a word, by someone judging them, by someone attempting to play with their most vulnerable soul patches. I am telling them of the importance of being real, of being who you are, so that people can have the right coordinates of you when you are part of their landscape. But that will carry with it the risk of them being hurt, because they will not have a custom-made facet that they present to the world, so when trashed or tainted they can just put another one on, a clean one, and move on.

They will be hurt, I know they will. But they will learn to care for themselves too, to be strong and to pick themselves up when no one is there to help them, but also to be kind in defining other people’s worlds, to be careful, to not judge. They will learn the importance of trust by having theirs shattered at times.

And after and during all that learning, they will be able to keep a steady course. And able to see why we need to first of all turn inwardly when defining who we are.

They will learn all of this and never be afraid or ashamed of being who they are. They will know to embrace their own fire and though they will embrace the world standing upside down at times, or crookedly so – but who can give the whole measure or definition of crooked anyway, they will know they’re onto something good. Because when you are real, you are.