The basement looks a lot better now. I did a major purging of papers and old magazines, threw out old things that cannot be recycled or reused in any way. Next was the kitchen and some leftover chores from a while ago. I do that when my mind abounds with thoughts. The nagging kind, the “time to deal with it” set of thoughts. When that happens, I get busy with cleaning up, purging through things, reorganizing my living quarters yet again, anything to give myself time to think. I think a lot better when my hands are busy.
Today was such a day. My thoughts were about where to put the next step. Career-wise that is. Told you it was big. Felt like that too, the whole time.
I’ve been growing into my skin as a writer for quite a while now, writing enough to keep it exciting, yet wanting to write more and struggling with lack of time and the frustration that sticks to it like fleas on a monkey. Time is sometimes short for many reasons. Some are discipline-related (yes, procrastination, yes anxiety caused by procrastination, yes the occasional “oh what’s the point there’s not much time anyway”), some are of a different nature (not feeling confident enough, forgetting all accomplishments because of a rejection letter), you know what I’m talking about.
Other time guzzlers include other professional commitments which often prove to be less satisfying than I care to admit yet I am still obliging and that creates a few ripples of frustration every now and then. Sure there is frustration in everything, writing included, but it’s a different kind. There’s no wondering if it’s worth it afterwards.
So today I looked closer at what’s worth keeping and what I should say goodbye to. The thought distilled itself crisp and clear like a first morning of spring: I want to write. Occasional meaningful projects aside (will write more in a future post about this big one soon to happen), I want to write. I enjoy talking to people, reaching out to them but I have to be honest and admit that repetitiveness that is often associated with long-term teaching of the same material can make me question my reasons to do it. A comfort issue for some, a bit of an uphill ride for those like me. I thrive on being challenged, it’s what inspires me to take the next step. I’m scared at times, of course, but the exhilaration that comes from being challenged and the gulp that echoes in my head as I look into how to tackle it, even those occasional bittersweet moments when all I can think is “Now what??”… It’s all part of it, part of staying true to myself and alive in what I like to do. Today my intense thought-churning process put words to feelings. I am ready to pursue writing and opt out of other commitments for now. The way I see it if I happen to lose my footing every now and then it’d better happen while I’m trekking down the road of my choice. I don’t necessarily want to know what my next step is but I want to know that I chose to make it that way not that it simply happens to me. I want my soul to giggle while flying high. Silly, I know. Honest truth though.